A Party For Hades
by Ravenclaw-Earl of Storybrooke
Summary: Hades commands the citizens of the Underworld to throw him a surprise party. Will this be another year of scripted drudgery, or will it be the best party the Underworld has ever had? Please enjoy and review!
1. A Long-Dreaded Party

A Party for Hades

Chapter One: A Long-Dreaded Party

Hades commands the citizens of the Underworld to throw him his yearly surprise party.

Author's Note: I adore Hades! Without further ado, here is a comedy about what life must be like for his subjects in the Underworld. Please enjoy and review!

Characters:

Hades

Cora Mills

Peter Pan

Cruella de Vil

Prince James

Henry Mills I

The Blind Witch

Liam Jones

Hercules

Milah

Blacktooth

* * *

Cora Mills sat at her desk in the Underworld Town Hall. She was reading over a print-out of the new souls who would be joining their number that day, when her assistant, Blacktooth, buzzed her on her intercom.

"Lord Hades to see you, Your Majesty," he said.

Cora groaned and rubbed her temples. "I guess it has been a year," she muttered to herself. "Send him in," she replied.

Hades strode confidently into Cora's office, flanked by his two mute bodyguards.

"Hello, Cora," the Lord of the Underworld grinned wickedly.

"Lord Hades," Cora tried to smile. "This is a pleasant surprise." It was neither pleasant nor a surprise. "How can I be of service?" She already knew exactly what he wanted.

Hades smiled with an air of false affability. "Well, Cora, it just so happens that tomorrow is-"

"Your birthday."

Hades smiled more widely. "Yes! You remembered! How thoughtful! It's a bit embarrassing for me to ask-"

"I'd love to throw you a surprise party, sir," Cora stated flatly.

"Oh, you're so kind!" Hades smirked. "Same cake as last year, but with less candles. I want to taste the icing, not eat wax. In fact, I think, instead of a candle for every year, you should just have one candle in the center. Invite everyone, but seat only the important ones at my table. And guests may choose to omit gifts, but anyone who does will be served alive to Cerberus. Are we clear?"

"Yes, sir," Cora gave a slight, respectful bow.

"Great! See you tomorrow at 6:66 PM! Don't worry! I'll act surprised."

Cora waited until she was certain that Hades had left the building.

"Blacktooth!" she said over the intercom. "Assemble the team. It's a Code Philostrate."

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Cora's office was filled with an unusual group of the deceased.

Peter Pan, dressed in a suit not unlike Hades', sat on an armchair next to Cora's husband Henry, with whom he was deep in discussion. Liam Jones and Milah stood silently near the fireplace. Hercules looked very uncomfortable sitting on a couch next to the Blind Witch, who kept recommending different desserts to "put some meat on his bones." Finally, Cruella de Vil laid face down on a chaise lounge while Prince James massaged her angular shoulder-blades.

"Alright, everyone, most of you know the drill by now," Cora began bemusedly. "Cruella, you're new here, so I should explain what happens. Every year, Hades orders us to throw him a surprise party."

Cruella scoffed. "Darling, how is it a surprise party if he tells you to do it?"

"It makes him feel like we all like him," Pan explained.

"All the same, he doesn't like surprises, so do exactly as I tell you," Cora added. "Milah, you're responsible for keeping all children locked up and quiet, because Hades finds them tedious."

"That leaves me out of the actual party, thank heavens," Milah said.

"Liam, you're in charge of the bar. Bring your whole stock, but don't let anyone have more than one drink. Hades doesn't want anyone to have more fun than him."

"No amount of alcohol could make this party fun for anyone," Liam shot.

"Blind Witch, you're in charge of food for the party. Do you remember the menu from last year?"

The Blind Witch nodded in Cora's direction. "Hades prefers liver with fava beans and a nice chianti."

"Henry, you're in charge of making sure everyone sits in the correct seats and that no one comes late or leaves early."

"That's the worst job, Cora," Henry fussed. "Why is that always my job?"

Cora smirked. "Because I enjoy watching you struggle, dear husband. Pan, James, Cruella, Hercules, the four of you, and myself, have the distinguished honor of sitting at Hades' private table. Most of us know the drill, but Cruella, this means that you have to laugh at all of his jokes and listen to every story he tells with rapt attention."

"And if I don't?" Cruella challenged her.

"Every time he feels like someone isn't listening, he makes us stay for another hour," Hercules explained. "The first year that I was down here, he extended the party by 6 days because I coughed during the punchline of his cyclops joke."

"Are we all clear?" Cora asked.

"Yes," everyone groaned.

Cora wrote something on her clipboard. "The party is tomorrow night at 6:66 PM, which is really 7:06. Hades thinks 6:66 sounds more menacing."

"Menacing?" Cruella scoffed. "It sounds stupid, darling."

"That's exactly the sort of thing you shouldn't say at Hades' party," Pan quipped.

* * *

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! Please review!


	2. Hades' Perfect Day

A Party for Hades

Chapter Two: Hades' Perfect Day

Hades tries his hand at writing while waiting for his party.

Author's Note: Enjoy chapter two! Please review!

Characters:

Hades

* * *

Hades placed his cello on its onyx stand. It was the day of the party, and he was finding ways to distract himself as he counted down the hours until his "surprise party." After practicing the cello, he wondered what to do next.

First, he contemplated taking Cerberus for a walk. There was nothing like striking fear into the hearts of his subjects with his beloved pet. However, he had already taken the beast for a walk, and he didn't feel like chasing after Cerberus when he tried to chase Cruella de Vil's car (a common occurrence since Cruella's arrival).

Next, he considered making use of his pool table, but quickly decided against it. Hades didn't actually enjoy pool- The table was merely a status symbol used to intimidate his guests as he casually played while calmly threatening them.

Television? _No,_ he thought to himself. _I have to get in the right mood before another_ Barefoot Contessa _marathon._

His Cartier wristwatch read, "3:21 PM."

 _What to do?_ Hades pondered.

Then, he felt the fire. Not the flames that sprang from his head: Hades was alone, and he only used that trick in the company of others. Hades felt the fire of inspiration! He simply had to write!

The Lord of the Underworld seated himself at his flawless, cherry-wood desk and reached inside of the top drawer for his iPad. He swiped into his word processing app and opened a new document.

"Hmmmmm…" Hades pondered aloud. "What should I write about?"

There were so many topics he could write about: hating Zeus, three-headed dog breeding, hating Zeus, etiquette for supernatural rulers, hating Zeus…

 _That's it!_ Hades had the perfect idea for a prompt! Attaching his iPad to its keyboard, he centered the heading of his document and typed, **Hades' Perfect Day**. After a few minutes of mental outlining, he began:

 **Hades rose from his bed after a long and comfortable sleep. He walked to his kitchen and filled his kettle with water. He carried it to his lair, where he placed it over the cold hearth. With a snap of his fingers, there was a roaring fire beneath the vessel. As the water heated, Hades snapped his fingers, causing a full, English breakfast to appear before him. He ate his food leisurely, saving a bit of bacon to feed to Cerberus later. Before long, the kettle was whistling like a screaming, lost soul, and Hades poured it into a teacup, which was already equipped with an herbal teabag. While his tea was steeping, Hades hung his silk nightgown in his ebony wardrobe and selected an appropriate suit (not that he owned any inappropriate suits) for the day.**

 **After finishing his tea, Hades whistled sharply. He heard the sound of excited panting as Cerberus, his trusty pet, bounded over to him. "Good boy," Hades said, patting the dog on his heads. "Who wants to go for a walk?" At the word** _ **walk**_ **, Cerberus began whimpering excitedly. Affixing a leash around the dog's necks, Hades led him to the elevator, which brought them to the library lobby.**

 **Man and dog stepped into the dull, red glow.**

" **Good morning, Lord Hades," Peter Pan said as he walked to his pawnshop.**

" **Good morning," Hades replied, nodding politely as he followed Cerberus down the sidewalk. Before long, they encountered Cruella de Vil. "Hello, Cruella."**

" **Hades, darling!" Cruella drawled. "The only thing lovelier than this day is how nice you look in that suit."**

 **Hades smiled. "Why are you walking today?"**

 **Cruella grimaced slightly. "My car is out of service. Gus down at the mechanic's said that it may never run again."**

 **Cerberus' six ears perked up at her statement.**

" **Thanks for the great news," Hades grinned, proceeding with a new spring in his step.**

 **As Hades and Cerberus passed the diner, the Blind Witch came outside, offering Cerberus a chimera bone, which he accepted with his central mouth.**

 **Hades' cellphone began ringing. He saw that the person trying to reach him was Cora.**

" **Hello," he said.**

" **My lord, you have an important visitor here at the office," Cora said.**

" **Really? That's odd. I'll come right away." Ending the call, Hades led Cerberus to Underbrooke Town Hall, intrigued.**

 **Cora's creepy assistant ushered Hades into the office, where he saw someone he despised seated on the couch. Zeus. Cerberus growled angrily as Cora looked warily between the gods.**

" **Brother," Zeus said.**

" **What in hell are you doing here?" Hades demanded.**

" **Don't you mean, what am I doing here in hell?" Zeus chuckled.**

" **You always thought you were so funny," Hades sneered.**

" **No, I never thought that. I knew it!"**

 **Hades glared at Cora, silently daring her to laugh. Her face, however, was a death mask.**

" **Zeus, why are you here?"**

 **Zeus smiled. "I came to bring my son a care package. I just wanted him to know that I cared about him."**

" **You entered my domain to give your son a box of candy?" Hades asked incredulously.**

" **Nectar and ambrosia, stupid," Zeus laughed, tousling Hades' hair.**

" **We'll see who is stupid," Hades smiled sadistically. "You put yourself under my power by coming here, and now, you'll never leave." With a snap of his fingers, a gravestone appeared with the name "Zeus" etched onto it.**

" **No!" Zeus cried. "How could I have been so foolish?"**

" **Just remember, brother," Hades cackled. "You may have been the champion javelin-thrower of the family, but I always had the brains." To emphasize his point, Hades ignited his blue, fiery hair, striking fear into his brother, who cowered like the overgrown child he is. "And now, your curse over me is broken!"**

 **Zeus was speechless.**

" **What will you do now, Lord Hades?" Cora asked.**

 **Hades rolled his eyes. "Really, Cora, have you never read Austen? It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. I'm going to win over my true love."**

" **Your true love? You never mentioned a true love. Who is it?" Cora stared curiously at the Lord of the Underworld.**

" **Funny you should ask," Hades said, stepping towards her menacingly. "You've met before."**

" **Oh?" Cora asked, trying not to tremble as Hades came closer.**

" **You left her in a basket in the woods so that you could claw your way into the ranks of royalty."**

 **Cora gasped. "You know about Zelena?"**

" **I do," Hades said. "And now, you'll pay for ruining her life!"**

 **Cora's elegant pantsuit transformed into a torn, ragged dress. A cart full of flour appeared behind her.**

" **Have fun delivering flour for eternity, miller's daughter," he laughed. Then, looking from his defeated brother to the disgraced mayor, he unleashed Cerberus, saying, "Sic!"**

 **Cora and Zeus fled the mayoral office with the hellhound in hot pursuit.**

 **Freed from his brother's power, Hades magically teleported himself to the Land of Oz, into the throne room of the Wicked Witch.**

 **There sat Zelena, crying on a pistachio-colored armchair. "I'm so alone! Why am I still so alone?"**

" **You don't have to be," Hades said, stepping towards her.**

" **Hades!" Zelena cried. "What are you doing here?"**

" **I'm free, Zelena. I've defeated my brother. Look!" He waved his hand over Zelena's magic mirror, and a vision of Zeus and Cora running through the woods (followed closely by Cerberus) appeared.**

" **He really is a fantastic dog," Zelena remarked. "He could use that Toto as a chew toy."**

" **He certainly could," Hades laughed, enjoying Zelena's wicked wit. "And we can enjoy it together." He reached for her hand, but she pulled away.**

" **No, Hades!" Zelena cried. "It's all part of some plot! You don't really love me!"**

" **Think again," Hades said softly. "The only plot I had was to get my revenge on Zeus. I have. And here I am. You're all I want."**

 **Zelena looked at him as though she was seeing him for the first time. "So you really do love me?"**

" **I always have, and I always will."**

" **So what? I'm supposed to leave it all behind? Oz? My revenge? Am I to come and live with you in the Underworld?"**

" **Yes," Hades stated. "I've built you your own Storybrooke. You would love it there- You can have everything your sister did and more."**

 **Zelena trembled slightly. "But the Underworld is a place of death. A place of decay."**

" **Yes," Hades said, stepping towards her. "But it's our decay."**

 **Then, she melted. Not like someone threw a bucket of water on her, but into Hades' arms.**

 **Hades pulled her close, and he and Zelena shared true love's kiss.**

 **And so the two lived happily ever after in the Underworld, raising a litter of three-headed puppies and tormenting wretched souls.**

 **The End.**

Hades admired his work after finishing. _The "our decay" line is good_ , he thought. _I'll definitely use that if I ever see Zelena again_.

Looking at his watch, he saw that it was almost time for his party to begin. He walked over to Cerberus' gargantuan dog bed and gave him a few gentle pats on the head.

"I'll be home late, boy," he said. "Don't wait up for me."

Cerberus seemed to nod, and Hades proceeded up to the surface.

* * *

Author's Note: That was a blast! I hope you enjoyed Hades' bit of fanfiction!


	3. A Night To Remember

A Party For Hades

Chapter Three: A Night To Remember

The surprise party commences, and the partygoers do their best to ensure there are no surprises for Hades.

Author's Note: This chapter will conclude "A Party For Hades." I hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Please review!

* * *

Cora hurried frantically around the town hall assembly room, making sure everyone was doing their designated jobs.

Milah had already corralled the children into the school, where they would participate in different Hades-themed activities. Liam, dressed in white tie, was leaning against the polished bar. The Blind Witch, wearing an apron over her outlandish gown, went from table to table, smelling for the space between silverware in order to correct place settings. Henry, not needing to play the bouncer yet, had been assigned to be the lookout for Hades.

The residents of the Underworld were sitting around their tables, chatting miserably to one another. However, no group was more miserable than the one nearest to the stage, as it was to be Hades' table.

"I think we're ready to go," Cora said, sitting down next to Hades' expectant chair. "What time is it?"

"7:02," Peter Pan said, glancing at the clock on the wall. "Four minutes."

"I hope there's enough gin for me, Jimmy," Cruella mused, running a black-gloved finger through James' hair.

"I'm sure there will be, dear," James assured her.

"Just make sure that you don't lose control of yourself," Pan admonished her.

"I'll need some too," Hercules remarked.

"Absolutely not, young man!" Cora snapped. "You are too young!"

"But I'm dead, Cora!" the demigod retorted. "I've been down here longer than you have! I think I've earned it!"

"Not while I'm mayor," Cora smirked.

"And, 7:06!" Pan warned.

Dead silence fell. Those assembled could hear the sound of a door opening and closing. Cora stealthily ran towards the entrance to intercept their guest. Rounding the corner, she saw Hades in all of his finery.

"Cora! You said there was something you needed to discuss with me?" Hades said, sounding very scripted.

"Yes, Lord Hades," Cora said, similarly unconvincingly. "If you'll just come this way."

"That's odd," Hades said, as he did every year. "We usually meet in your office."

"Well, I think you'll find the assembly hall a more enjoyable venue," Cora replied.

Hades leaned over and whispered, "It's 'a more pleasant venue.'"

"I'm sorry, a more pleasant venue," Cora corrected herself, fighting to conceal her irritation.

"I wonder why you would say that?" Hades pondered in mock-wonder.

The Lord of the Underworld rounded the corner, and Henry threw the switch for the lights.

"Surprise!" the dead shouted unenthusiastically.

Hades put on quite a production of smiling widely and grasping at his chest. "A surprise party? For me? And here, I thought you had all forgotten that it's my birthday."

"We could never forget your birthday, Lord Hades!" Peter Pan stated flatly.

"You're the life of the afterlife, darling," Cruella recited from a scrap of paper that James had handed her.

"So what's for dinner?" Hades asked excitedly.

"It's a surprise, uncle who is better than my father in every way," Hercules chanted.

"Please, Lord Hades," Cora coaxed. "Do us unworthy subjects the honor of gracing us with your enlightened presence at dinner."

"Awww," Hades crooned. "Yes, you are unworthy, but you went to all of this trouble, so I suppose I can eat with you."

Everyone applauded, and Hades took his seat at the head of the table. Cora sat beside him, relieved that the clichéd pantomime was concluded.

The Blind Witch glided over with a covered, silver dish, which she placed in front of Hades, who eagerly ripped the lid off of the plate.

"Liver! Oh, I adore liver! And I see you've prepared some fava beans as well, very tasteful. Do you know what would go perfectly with this?"

"A nice chianti?" The Blind Witch asked, producing a bottle of chianti and pouring it for Hades.

"Yes! Very good," he said. "Only a true cannibal like yourself would understand that."

The Blind Witch curtsied and went to serve her fellow citizens their matching meals.

The table was silent for a spell, as everyone was eating. Cruella was the one to break the silence.

"This is the first decent meal I've had since I came down here," she remarked sincerely. "Hades, darling, you have excellent taste."

Hades raised his wine glass in her direction. "Thank you, Cruella. It's nice to have a sophisticated palate to appreciate my culinary choices. If only my nephew were as grateful."

"We never ate like this at home," Hercules said. "For a while, I had nothing to eat but Nemean lion steaks."

"Enough about you," Hades said, waving a hand at his nephew. "Let's talk about me!"

"How's the soul market?" Pan asked.

"It's slow these days," Hades replied. "Your son doesn't send as many my way as he used to."

"If you ask me, it's all because of that boring bookworm," Cruella shot. "He was better off without her."

"She is something of a weakness for him," Pan agreed.

"Now, if someone could have kept her heart in her chest a bit longer, we might not have this problem," Hades said passive-aggressively, taking a sip of chianti and glaring at Cora.

Cora finished chewing her fava beans before speaking. "My daughter would not have been royalty if I ran away with Rumplestiltskin."

Hades' lips became rather thin. "Who says that royalty determines worthiness? I'm sure if you had a daughter who wasn't royalty, she would be no less powerful."

Cora raised her eyebrows in suspicion and alarm, but Cruella cut her off before she could speak.

"So, Hades, how would one leave the Underworld?" Cruella asked, her voice slurring slightly. She was currently on her second bottle of gin.

"Why? Are you planning a trip?" Hades' affable tone was betrayed by his burning eyes.

"Pay no attention to her," James said. "She's a bit tipsy."

"Things said while drunk have been thought out beforehand," Hades said quickly, his gaze boring into Cruella, who didn't seem to realize her peril. "You can only leave the Underworld one of two ways: You can move onto a better place, or to a worse one."

"What could be worse than here?" Cruella tittered.

The table became silent.

"I think you've had enough, Cruella," Hades proclaimed. "In fact, I think I've taken a short view on gin." He snapped his fingers, causing Cruella's gin bottle to vanish.

"I can always get more," Cruella groused to James.

"I don't think so," Hades said. "I don't think there will be any more gin in the Underworld after tonight. How's that for one hell of a punishment?" He extended his fist towards Hercules, who bumped it with his own half-heartedly.

Everyone around the table felt an overwhelming desire to be silent, not desiring to provoke Hades further. Unfortunately for them, Hades was expecting more than a one-sided conversation.

"Why so silent, my friends," he pouted. "I know just the thing to diffuse the tension. Cruella hasn't heard my famous cyclops joke yet! So there was a cyclops, a centaur, and a faun, and they were all-"

Hades was cut off by loud screaming from outside of the Town Hall.

"EMMA!" cried a man's voice.

"Is this someone's idea of a joke?" Hades snapped, rising to his feet, his hair igniting in a cerulean burst. "Because I doubt it's funnier than my cyclops joke!"

"Henry," Cora said, slowly standing as well. "Please go and handle this disturbance. It's disrupting Lord Hades' surprise party."

Henry wordlessly complied.

Hades returned to his seat with pursed lips.

"It must be someone freshly dead," James pondered.

"Obviously," Hades said. "Everyone who was already dead is here."

"I thought the voice sounded familiar," remarked Peter Pan.

Everyone looked for Henry's return expectantly.

After what seemed like an eternity (and many of those present had an above-average grasp on the concept of eternity), the door was heard being opened, followed by shouting.

"I have to get back to her!" the voice insisted.

Henry's calm voice sounded alarmed. "I'm sure you do, but now is not the time-"

"Of course it's the bloody time, mate!"

A man dressed in a black, leather coat hobbled into the room.

"Killian!" Liam Jones cried, rushing from behind the bar.

"Hook?!" Cora also stood.

"Liam! Cora! How?!" the man looked at the sea of faces staring at him. "Oh, no! I'm in the Underworld!"

Cora moved as quickly as she could, speaking quietly yet urgently to Hook. "Hook, this is not a good time. Give it until tomorrow and I will explain everything."

"No! I need to get back to Emma!" Hook shouted, using his good hand to push her out of the way. Cora bumped into a table, spilling several glasses of chianti. "Where's the demon who runs this infernal place!"

"That would be me," Hades said dramatically.

Hook advanced on Hades, pointing at the deity. "Send me back up there!"

"No can do, compadre," Hades said softly and menacingly. "You see, you're dead, so I can't. Also, you've interrupted a birthday party that these good people worked very hard to plan."

"You will do what I say!" Hook yelled.

"That's it," Hades bellowed, hair igniting once again. "I've been as patient as possible, but you've officially ruined my birthday, and you're going to have to pay for that." With a wave of his hand, he engulfed Hook in blue flames, which cleared, revealing nothing but thin air.

"What have you done with my brother?" Liam demanded.

"He's in my dungeon now," Hades said simply, brushing ash from his shoulder. "Don't worry. I'm going to make him pay for ruining tonight. And don't worry, Liam. He won't remember any of this."

The Lord of the Underworld vanished in another column of blue flames.

Liam stormed from town hall, followed by most of those present, who felt they had been given a reprieve. The Blind Witch also departed, knowing that many of the departed would be longing for an evening snack and chat at her diner.

"This doesn't bode well," Henry said.

"I agree," responded Hercules. Nodding to the rest of the partygoers, he left the building.

Cora looked around the empty hall. "So someone killed Hook? I'm sure that'll be an interesting story."

"By the way he was screaming, it wasn't from natural causes," Pan said.

"Of course, you know what this means?" Cora asked rhetorically. "Emma Swan won't be content to let her boyfriend die. She will try to revive him."

"But that can't be done," Henry said. "No magic can bring back the dead."

"He's right," Pan agreed. "But there is a way she can try to rescue him. She can open a portal with the blood of someone who has been to the Underworld. And we all know who that will be."

"Your son," Cora said.

"Precisely." Pan smiled. "Which means that I might have a way out. So if you'll excuse me, I have some planning to do." The shopkeeper took his leave, leaving only Cora, Henry, James, and Cruella, who was exhaustedly slumped down in her chair.

"Sounds like I'll be able to finish my business," James chimed in. "Emma won't come alone. Her goody-two-shoes parents will be along for the ride, and I can finally settle the score with my dear brother."

"Cora," Henry said with a note of fear in his voice. "Do you think that Regina will join her?"

"I certainly hope not!" Cora snapped at her husband. "It's not safe for her down here. She's better off staying in Storybrooke."

"It would be noble of her to help her friends," Henry pointed out.

"Noble and idiotic," Cora countered. "She'd be putting herself in Hades' direct line of fire. Still, you may have a point."

Henry was astounded. Cora had never considered any of his points throughout the course of their marriage.

"We'll keep a lookout for her. And in the meantime, I will attempt to handle damage control with Hades."

"Is it always like this?" Cruella moaned. "I don't think I can handle this. Even once a year."

Cora was about to agree with her when she remembered how entertaining it was to see Hades act like a petulant child when Hook burst into the room. That was a memory she would truly cherish. "All things considered," she said, summoning her coat, "it was the best surprise party we've ever had!"

THE END

* * *

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed the final installment of "A Party For Hades." Please favorite and review!


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